Reflections On Life (So Far) Without Alcohol…

Part 1 of ???

Prior Musings:

In the past 3 months, I think I have talked about 'not drinking' everyday…like, how much I love it. It truly feels like a life hack. It is a life hack.

I'm not sure why it is that when I sit down to write about it, it feels like things have escaped me.

I am realizing more and more what kind of things I do need to feel like I can actually be effective. The monitor, the mouse, the keyboard. It truly makes this all easier and was I just trying to make that stuff hard? Why do we get in our way so?

*observes self meandering into the rabbit hole*

Anyway, I think that what feels relevant to share is that it feels like a massive fog is lifted, and as each day passes, I feel lighter and lighter and as if I can see or experience more and more.  

With the 4th of July tomorrow, I am reflecting on what past years have brought - in many different ways. The truth is - everything feels different now.

Life.

All of it.

I am able to see things so clearly, and truly feel capable of anything.

I don't remember the last time I felt like that.

It might have been on the other side of this - when I first discovered alcohol.

Now, 3 months without it, I am blown away by what I feel capable of.

I've talked about how much I am enjoying life without alcohol, every single day. I'm wearing it out, and I won't stop.

I can't believe what a life hack this is.

I can't believe that for 20 years, I built my life around it.

Extreme? No.

It's the truth.

But ONLY on the other side of it, only with space from it, can I see and say that with confidence.

I'm telling you that in some way, everything that I did was planned around alcohol.

I'd be willing to bet, that in many ways, this is the case for many people.

What do I mean?

Well, when I first started drinking - around 15/16 - I saw it as a tool. A 'superpower'. I didn't realize what numbing could do. How fucking effective it could be.

It honestly became a driver for me. To do many things, including work.

I remember thinking, 'if you want to drink, you've gotta work'.

Now what do we call that?

That's right - ADDICTION.

This persisted…and persisted…and persisted. Through college, straight on through my 20's to the age of 35.

It took 20 fucking years.

20 years of not going more than 1 month without drinking. 20 years of never having a cycle, going on vacation, and countless other things - without alcohol.

I couldn't be without it.

I didn't want to.

I would build almost everything around it.

Going to grab a beer was an activity.

Now as I listen to that be reflected to me…I think to myself, "is that really an activity?" It is. In this culture and in many others, it is.

And look - if we tallied up the amount of times that I went drinking as an activity we would be well into the thousands, so by no means am I judging anyone.

This is only a reflection.

One that I currently happen to be obsessed with.

And what it is really about, right now, for me is FREQUENCY.

As an Reiki practitioner, you would think I might have caught onto this sooner - but this is where that sneaky little addiction piece comes in. There are, of course, a lot of moving parts here. And one thing that I want to share, as it was shared with me by a therapist a few years ago - she stated "numbing is useful" - meaning that, at times, we need it to cope. The pain (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, etc.) is simply too much. We can't be with it, we can't be with ourselves. So we find a way to ease it. This is human nature.

The trouble comes when we lose sight of when this is being used as a tool and becomes the norm.

It happens subtly.

And with alcohol in particular, when we consume it, we lower our vibration and often unconsciously open ourselves up to additional lower vibrations around us - seen or unseen.

This plays into a consistent conversation that I have with clients around 'energy management' - where do I end and someone else begins? How can I take responsibility for that? How can I better manage that?

It takes practice. And if you're numb, it makes everything infinitely more challenging.

I'm not encouraging or suggesting you do anything. You'll know when the time is right.

I'm not claiming sobriety. I dabble in THC and psilocybin - and am at a point in my life where I am using this more strategically. I have a differently relationship with THC than I do with alcohol. Alcohol was an escape, a numbing, an excuse. THC functions in a different way for me.

Eventually, I see it all fading out. That is my goal.

That is what I hope for.

I have been talking about my relationship with alcohol and substance for years now - how I believe that I will eventually be sober.

When? I'm not sure. I am in an experimentation phase right now. Observing.

Will I drink again? I might.

I don't know the answer to that right now. My motivation at 3 months is to make it to 6 - and by then I’m guessing it will be a year.

But the truth is that I don't know what it will be. I just know that right now I don't want it.

I feel too good. I feel too clear. I feel capable in ways that I NEVER have.

That makes me curious about a lot of things that feel like a trap.

The trap of alcohol has a lot to do with your frequency and your healing. You can only make it so far if you continue to bring yourself back to that lower vibration. I am telling you this now, from experience.

The beauty of my work is that I am constantly being reflected things back to me and challenged to grow. My practice, my skills, and my capacity can ONLY expand if I am willing to expand. And that requires uncomfortable challenge, change - and ultimately - growth.

I know I'm leaving this with a little anticipation…because there is more to say here. Much more to say. But for now, I needed to put this down anywhere other than my boyfriends ear every-single-day. He thanks you:)