The Times They Are A-Changin’

THINGS ARE CHANGING…

They always are.

The only constant is change.

We know this.

I was recently reflecting on a couple of things in my business…

As I arrive at this moment of marketing things in a new in different way, I am being called to step into the bigness and this is what it means…

Putting yourself out there in a totally new way

Allowing yourself to really be seen

It is a big step and it is showing me some really interesting things.

I guess that up until now it didn't feel like there was anything to market, and part of that has left me feeling a bit like a loser.

An interesting feeling, let me tell ya!

Anyway, in the moment of this 'loser' feeling, I was like -- 'this feels so embarrassing'.

It feels embarrassing that I haven't felt like I needed to market my business in this way up until now.

This brings up a few things:

The recognition and respect that in these past 6 years I had intentions to really be a student, to learn, and to really hone my skill and craft. To be clear about my intentions, about my work, and be sure that I was 'walking the talk'.
I guess that in some ways I didn't want to put myself out there when I didn't really feel ready. I knew I was honing my skills and I wanted to trust that the right people would find me at the right time.
At the same time, it's okay to be IN PROCESS. You can be learning to walk the talk and still provide an excellent service. I was doing what I felt was most authentic AND I was hiding. I could have put myself out there more, but it was simply a risk that felt too big.

The fear of judgement.

Back to the previous thought for a moment --  I was caught between these thoughts of 'why did I not need this until now? That's embarrassing.'

AND feeling proud of being committed to my craft and authenticity.

For continuing to shift and change for the better.

To being as aligned as possible. To doing my own healing work.

That in many ways, I didn't know I needed.

It brought me here. To this next step…

And that brought the reflection on these past 6-7 years as I have been perusing this call.

There have been so many wild and interesting moments along this path.

One which I am so beyond grateful to travel. It has also been some of the hardest years of my life.

This path in entrepreneurship, I'm sure you've heard, is lonely.

You are your greatest co-worker and worst enemy -- and those two need to sit together each day.

I am so grateful for what this path has allowed me to see and change within myself.

To become a better version.

To let go of anger and attachment and addictions

I haven't quite got it all down yet but I know I am getting closer.

There is a lot that I have not shared publicly.

There is a lot I have not shared about myself, about my work, and about this journey.

And as I reflect now, I feel a big shift coming, so it feels important to share.

There have been so many different emotions and difficult moments.

Doubt, debt, and death.

Joy, rebirth, love.

Everything in-between and I wouldn't trade it.

Around year 4 of this journey I was, like most of us, caught head down in the grind, wondering when things were going to change.

It has felt like a really desperate moment, more often than I wanted.

I have/had many tools to attempt to find peace and ease in this journey.

In one particular moment as I was still trying to force things in the direction that I wanted them to go -- I was guided to connect with a 'higher/future' version of myself (which was interesting because this is not often what I lean on) -- and I heard her say, "you are missing it".

"missing what?"

"IT."

And then it dawned on me.

The journey.

The everyday. The mundane.

And they try to tell you this!!

They always try to tell you that you need to enjoy the journey, the mundane -- but I swear, we just kick and scream all the way to this LITERALLY PROVEN truth.

And even though that knowing and that truth is still very available to me, there are some days that it feels hard to access.

This is of course human.

And this is where gratitude is the remedy.

The biggest realization that I had recently was around how 'accepting our mortality is the greatest opportunity to breathe into gratitude' - what a gift it is to be here.

To just fucking be here.

In this same moment I was looking out the window… and geese were in the yard.  And ya know, I like geese just fine, but I suppose they could be considered a little annoying to people - I don’t' know…but what I realized was…"when I'm gone, I'll even miss the geese - I'll miss it all, I'll miss a single blade of grass"

And in that same experience, I can know that when I am gone, I probably won't even remember what it was like here. I will return to source, to wholeness, to oneness and I will remember what it was all for.

That it was never the things I thought it was.

That I always knew I would end up back here or there.

That it was always okay.

Maybe that's just my theory.

But there sure are a lot of theories about the what and the why of our being here.