Excavation

I've been in this place for a while now.

I know that I keep moving forward, but some days this shit is so awkward.

I find myself having little to say, or saying nothing at all.

I feel the most myself in a Reiki session. I feel like I can trust my intuition and be the real version of me.

Maybe that's because I know what people are expecting?

I haven't quite figured it out.

It's not that I wasn't myself before…but, I wasn't. I wasn't?

Maybe I was, but it was a version of me in a good amount of excess.

These days I am trying to find the balance of my true nature and……..who I want to be? Is that it?

As I write this out, I realize that there is more for me to uncover - as there always is.

Maybe it's easier to say that, who I was in my 'younger years' - say, high school, college, my 20's…was a very intense version of me. A version of me that relied heavily on alcohol and aggression to move through life, or rather…make it through. I don't really believe that I was dealing with anything or addressing anything, because I was numb and avoidant.

I used anger as a tool, as an excuse, as a driver, as…many things.

I flinch when I think about her. I feel for her, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed.

But she was getting me through. She was, in many ways, doing the best she could. And now I know better. I can see myself more clearly.

Maybe it's because I am willing and maybe it's because I'm not constantly numb -- probably both.

As I dove into the realm of wellness and further into Reiki, that pendulum swung all the way in the opposite direction.

People say things to me like, "why aren't you talking?"

Up until recently, this question had probably never been asked to me.

Because I was always talking, talking incessantly, talking shit, talking, talking, talking about nothing.

Talking because…I was nervous? Anxious? Talking to control the conversation.

What does it even matter anymore?

But now, now I almost don't see the point. What am I even talking about? I feel like I am trying to catch up on the listening. Maybe I haven't actually heard anything in 33 years, maybe that's why I'm not talking.

Except that, there are parts of her - of me - that I miss, and that I feel like I've lost or don't know how to integrate.

The humor, the fun, the lightheartedness…

The humor mostly.

Was I even funny before?

When so much of it was rooted in self-deprecation, talking shit, masking, etc. I have to wonder how clever it really was.

And while I have much more respect for the woman I am today, I can't help but wonder how I can bring some of those things back.

How can I find the light? When I feel so serious about the work I do.

How do I access that balance?

I'm trying. I am trying to honor where I am at and leave space.

I hear people say that "it's normal to have a dynamic personality", that "we show up differently with different people" --- and, of course I know this.

Yet, I'm struggling with the idea of shapeshifting into something new everywhere I go.

Who am I really? And why is that version not enough to choose it more consistently.

Am I actually quiet or am I not meeting your expectations?

Do most of us talk too much?

I'm mostly thinking out loud.

Trying to process. Trying to bring forth the version of me that is true, that is real, that is honest, that is confident.

But mostly, I'm trying to find more humor.