Immortal
It's all so tender & temporary.
I've been attempting to embrace the idea of death since '93…in the bathtub, sobbing, at the realization of my own (and everyone's) mortality.
It's funny to think about now -- how did I think I got here? And how long did I anticipate I would stay.
Now that I think about it, as far as I can recall - my first memory/visual was fire.
The garage, burning.
That's got to be a metaphor for something.
But anyway, when I realized it, it was like a ton of bricks.
I spent the next several years writing "I hope you have a good life" on every card or piece of artwork I made.
Obsessed with letting the people know. Perhaps attempting to be subtle, rather than saying - "Hey, did you know we are going to die?!"
And I am still working through it.
Processing it, trying to understand it, accepting it…
Why?
Why are we here?
So that God can learn? So that God/Consciousness can grow? Evolve?
I've got a long list of questions when my time comes.
And by then - I will have remembered the WHY - and will likely (happily) move into the next experience.
I honestly don't know if saying that is offensive to someone's belief about God, and that's truly not what I'm trying to do.
I'm in my own phase of rekindling my relationship with God. Trying to communicate with him in my own way.
It is genuine curiosity and at the same time -- there almost feels like a knowing.
Am I just afraid?
To speak about this? To say that it feels true?
To accept that it's all meaningless and at the same time, it means everything.
To observe the contrast without attachment -- oof, not easy.
This snippet, this moment…so temporary.
So beautiful.
And yet…
We can't quite grasp it.
And for me, the grief comes in waves.
For those already gone, those yet to go, and my own transition to what is next.
Sometimes it finds me unsuspecting and in others, I choose it.
A form of preparation, I'm sure.
But there is something about the tears, about moving that Qi/Ki, that brings me closer to that acceptance, that peace, and that embrace.
